Sex Advice: My Boyfriend's Sexual Manner is too Feminine
The Times Online
by Suzi Godson and Dr. Thomas Stuttaford
November 1, 2008

My boyfriend is an attractive man, but I find his manner around sex off-putting. It' too feminine; I'd like him to take control more. But chemistry isn't something you can manufacture, is it?


Suzi Godson

You can fake affection, you can fake an orgasm, but you can't fake sexual chemistry. You want a decisive man, not a hesitant mouse. You want a lover who can pick up on your nuances, who knows instinctively when you want slow and sweet, and when you want hard and fast. A titan who can pin you against the wall and force you to orgasm or a virtuoso who will roll you in the hay and tickle your fancy. Your dilemma is that he ticks all the boxes outside the bedroom. If you dump him, you might regret it, particularly when he begins dating someone else, but you keep coming back to the same question. He's a great guy, but is he the wrong guy?

Before you make a decision to walk away, you ought to address a couple of issues. First, how realistic are your expectations? No one is perfect and the composite man I described above doesn't exist, or if he does you can be sure that he forgets birthdays, leaves his dirty boxer shorts on the floor and never brushes his teeth. Secondly, good sex reflects the level of intimacy between two people and if you and your boyfriend were communicating effectively there wouldn't be an enormous sexual gulf between you.

Some men find it difficult to know how to behave during sex. They struggle to find the balance between dominance, which can be interpreted as misogyny, and sensitivity, which can, as you point out, be interpreted as effeminacy. In keeping your dissatisfaction to yourself, you deny him the opportunity to respond. He may need your permission to be more assertive. He may need guidance on how to effect the changes you say you want. Alternatively, it may be that his feminine manner around sex is a sign of something else. If you have an underlying worry that he isn't straight, now is the time to confront it. Related Links

Although attitudes to homosexuality have changed dramatically in the past 40 years, a percentage of men who declare themselves to be heterosexual prefer to have sex with men. These men make a distinction between sexual “preference” and sexual “identity”. However, according to the US Centre for Disease Control, more than three million American women are in relationships with men who have secretly had sex with other men. Gay men who date and marry women may not, initially, be sure about their sexual identity. They may fear that coming out would upset their family.

They may not approve of the gay scene; they may be scared of being marginalised. Most are in denial. A US study by Gary J.Gates, at the Williams Institute, University of California, Los Angeles, found that when asked specifically about their sexual orientation 1.6 per cent (436,000) of 27 million married men and 1.8 per cent (1.3 million) of 75 million men who had previously been married, identified themselves as gay or bisexual. However, when they were asked whether they had ever had sex with men, those figures doubled.

If he is gay, help him out of the closet because, as Michael Barrymore so ably demonstrates, you can't fake your sexuality either.

Suzi Godson is author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)

Dr. Thomas Stuttaford

In some birds and animals the female is larger and stronger than the male but in the majority of species males are bigger and brawnier, if psychologically less sensitive. Men have evolved over tens of thousands of years. They had to be fearless hunters prepared to slay either prey or enemies. The weak, feeble, slow or soft-hearted would soon be guzzled by sabre-toothed tigers, trampled by mammoths or obliterated by rivals.

This male pattern of behaviour has proved successful from the Stone Age to our immediate imperial past. Now society has changed. It is mechanised, organised, civilised and brute force is not enough, but those genes and the characters that they perpetuated still persist in many men and women, although they may be obscured by a veneer of civilisation.

New man, who is a dab hand with nappies, dish cloths and vacuum cleaners rather than spears, is more likely to succeed as a modern husband, whose only hunting will be to amble down to the local supermarket in search of a ready meal. Unfortunately, the qualities that make the new man, his feminine side, don't appeal to you. The majority of women work and enjoy their new-found freedom but there is a sizeable minority who still expect their man to be both a good provider of worldly goods and an exciting sex life. These women want to see the patterns of behaviour that have helped to ensure the survival of the species when they make love, however he may present himself at other times.

This question exemplifies the old adage that once the first lust has worn off what is needed to keep a relationship going are similar backgrounds, interests, aims, prejudices and goals. If a woman wants to have a tough, forceful, commanding man as her mate, and a man is looking for a dependent, affectionate, home builder they have to be mature enough to understand that if they mate with someone who doesn't fit their profile, the affair may initially be intriguing and exciting but it is not going to last long.

No amount of training is going to turn your boyfriend from a friendly, shoe-licking spaniel into a Rottweiler (even though Rottweilers can have an affectionate side to their nature). However, if his lovemaking and behaviour around the house has in your opinion only a few irritating feminine traits, but underneath he is dominant and earthy, you could try to slowly and tactfully remove the veneer. The emphasis is on tactfully. Remember that the number of men who will tolerate the humiliation of having either their sexual anatomy or technique criticised, or above all joked about, is tiny.

When a woman has a desire that a man should take the initiative more often, be more forceful and assertive there are a few standard phrases that may help. Try, “treat me rough”, “harder”, “give it to me”; such commands might revive some primitive, inherent instincts.

Make certain that your partner understands that what you like when fully sexually aroused may not apply earlier in your lovemaking. What was a playful slap when the hormones are racing would at a different time be quite rightly interpreted as assault, and would be a complete turn-off.

Dr Thomas Stuttaford, the Times doctor, spent many years working in a genitourinary clinic