The Wedding Issue
Gay and Lesbian Times
by Randy Hope
August 21st, 2008

A wedding diary of one couple’s Big Day, and a resource guide for same-sex couples.

In so many ways, it’s a day I planned since I was a little boy; the cake, the flowers, the music and, yes, even to some extent, the dress. But somewhere along the way, I, like many other gays and lesbians, started to believe a wedding, in the legal realm, was not in the cards for me.

But on May 15, my childhood dream was revived, when the California Supreme Court ruled it unconstitutional to not allow same-sex couples to marry. After all the analyses of the news, the rallies at The Center and fielding hundreds of e-mails and phone calls from GLBT individuals asking what the ruling meant, I fell exhausted into bed. Suddenly, the reality hit: I can get married. I can have my wedding. I have a wedding to plan!

In an instant, all of my childhood dreams flooded back; the dreams of my prince, my wedding and my happily ever after.

Fast forward 10 weeks after the ruling, days before our Aug. 9 wedding: I stood alongside my fiancéBrian van de Mark drowning in seating charts, floral arrangements and wedding favors. Truth be told, at times the stress was overwhelming, but we were loving every minute of it!

People have asked how in the world we pulled together a wedding for 150 people in two months. There’s no question, it’s been a whirlwind of activity. In the process, we’ve learned a few things. Most important among them is it doesn’t matter if a couple has two months or two years to plan for their Big Day; in the end it’s all about two words – “I do.”

The fact we didn’t have a wedding planner stunned many people, but let’s be honest: as a gay man, I knew exactly what this day should look like. I had planned it in my head for 20-plus years. The challenge was finding the time to translate 20-plus years of elaborate fairytales into a real-life event.
Lucky for me, my partner – no, my fiancé, err … my husband – Brian is a neurotic multi-tasker who seems to find extra hours in the day. I must, however, warn that while planning fairytales, neurotic multi-tasking can potentially turn even the most charming princes into “groomzillas.” One thing we always made sure was decisions were made together. Negotiation skills are critical, and sometimes a little give here gets a little take there. But that’s the foundation of any good relationship.

Still, in this process, we were reminded others often mistake striving for perfection and knowing what one wants for being pushy. Remember, as a couple, ultimately this is your day and, in some cases, you’re the ones shelling out tens of thousands of dollars to make it happen. There is nothing wrong with asserting yourself and requiring others to respect your wishes. No one cares about your wedding more than you do, so never settle.

After all, a recent study from the Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law calculated that same-sex marriage will bring nearly $700 million to the state’s marriage industry and $65 million to the state budget over the next three years.

If the industry thought it was tough dealing with the demands of a bride, then look out for two gay grooms! We often joked with friends that this was the best economic stimulus package this nation has ever seen – and we did our part by plugging nearly $75,000 into the local economy.

And so, here is how we did it our way – something old, some new, something borrowed, something blue – in 5,000 words or less.

Something old: Tried and true traditions with a twist

It started by taking a trip to Big Sur to begin the planning process. A quiet, secluded condo on the cliffs was the perfect location to begin planning our wedding. Brian originally intended the weekend as a surprise to celebrate our anniversary. I, however, became privy to his plan. While we both knew getting married was the next logical step in our relationship – after all, we already were domestic partners – neither of us had proposed to the other, though we’d already picked the date.

That didn’t work for me, so I took the opportunity to pop the question. Because it was our first anniversary, which is symbolized by paper, I decided to buy a full-page ad in the Gay & Lesbian Times to wish him a happy anniversary and to propose. I’d hoped for him to find it amongst reading material while on the plane to our wedding-planning getaway. He too, however, became privy to my plan.

Brian and I started the process by sitting down with a stack of notecards and two pencils.

Notecard No. 1: Write your top three choices for rehearsal dinner.

Notecard No. 2: Write your top three choices for ceremony location.

Notecard No. 3: Write your top three choices for reception location.

Fortunately, notecards one and three matched: the Melting Pot and Park Manor Suites. Notecard two, however, didn’t. I wanted to have it in a facility with a grand staircase, and he wanted to have it in a small chapel in Old Town. As time went on, we found that with so many out-of-town guests, it became a moot point. It was best to have the ceremony and the reception in close proximity.

Setting the tone: Invitations

Invitations set the tone for the entire event. They are the first indication of the wedding’s look and feel. With all of Brian’s family and out-of-town guests coming from “red states,” and all of my guests coming from “blue states,” we knew there was going to be an interesting dynamic, but we were very pleased that not one person flinched when asked to participate. Their immediate responses were an overwhelming sense of joy and congratulations. Most of our family and friends planned to attend and we were confident that our invitations reflected our intentions for our wedding.

A guiding philosophy we agreed on is, to the extent it was possible, we would choose vendors who were either gay-owned or operated, or had been supportive of GLBT rights in the past. We did our due diligence researching corporate policy, employee benefits, donations and sponsorships, etc.
ROK Enterprises is a great place in the community to turn to for help; aside from invitations, it also provides a wide range of services and items, including apparel and engraved gifts. Invitations can run anywhere from $2 to $20 each.

Wedding headquarters: Beyond a hospitality suite

We chose Park Manor Suites because, atop its historic penthouse, there are sweeping views of Balboa Park, Downtown and the San Diego Harbor. The austere east side lends itself as a canvas for your ceremony. Event planner Jim Harmon is also there to help if you need him. Please note, however, that with the recent marriage ruling you should be sure to call and book well in advance. The site also allows you to have an all-in-one wedding location, with ceremony, reception and hotel accommodations for your guests. Additionally, Chef Brad Hightow creates flavorful cuisine and makes the traditional tasting about more than just food.

In creating what became known as “Hope/van de Mark Wedding Central,” we reserved a two-bedroom suite on the sixth floor next to the service elevator as our hospitality suite. Everyone in the family and wedding party had keys so they could come and go as they pleased. We made sure it was stocked with refreshments and other necessities our guests might need, including personal amenity baskets of toothpaste, razors, tampons, deodorant and any other number of things they might have forgotten. We also provided them with maps and business cards with our contact information on them so that we were never more than a phone call away as they explored “America’s Finest City.”

We also made sure that as out-of-town guests arrived to their rooms they were met with some Harry & David chocolates, fresh flowers, a schedule for the weekend (which included options such as Sky Dive San Diego or the Civic Theatre’s Phantom of the Opera) and a small, personalized token of our appreciation for coming so far – geographically, culturally, or both – to be here for our wedding. Word to the wise: a gift is only as valuable as it is thoughtful. We chose shop for our guests based on their individual tastes. Our efforts were rewarded as they assembled for rehearsal and compared gifts, everyone beaming with the knowledge that each gift had been chosen for him or her.

Several times the week before the biggest deadline I think I’ve ever faced – my wedding day – I was heard saying I never thought it’d come together. As deadline approached, I knew we were in good hands because our mothers, aunts and friends in the wedding party were all laughing and enjoying themselves, while they did their part assembling programs, labeling water bottles and inserting menus into tuxedo-style casings for 150 guests at “Hope/van de Mark Wedding Central.”

Something new: Semantics and logistics

In terms of semantics, it will be interesting to see how same-sex weddings are handled. In many cases, biological families may not always be supportive, and so GLBT persons turn to a circle of friends to create a surrogate family. This will have some very interesting implications on same-sex ceremonies. For example, who will serve as mother of the bride or father of the groom? With uncharted territory, couples will establish vocabulary that is meaningful and relevant to them, such as “mentor of the groom” or “mentor of the bride.” Fortunately, our parents are 100 percent supportive of our relationship.
We did, however, question what you call a bridesmaid when there is no bride. Likewise many lesbians will face the same issue with no groom. Those who we asked to participate in our wedding party all play a special role in our lives, and as such they are all equal in our minds and in our hearts. Therefore we kept it simple, and referred to all men as “gentlemen of honor,” and all women as “ladies of honor.”

Also, many couples (gay and straight alike) are using vows to urge attendees to vote “no” on Proposition 8, the November ballot initiative that would ban same-sex marriage in California; or to pledge support for marriage equality.

They say clothes make the (wo)man

But, ah, a dress is your strongest suit! I lived vicariously through my three ladies of honor as we spent an entire day shopping for dresses to match our chocolate/petal color palette. We chose David’s Bridal in Mission Valley, for its wide range of styles and accessory options. The manager, Laura, is phenomenal, and she helped us choose options that were appropriate for the diversity of skin tones and sizes of my attendants.

We chose a latte-colored, full-length strapless gown with a bit of a train. The bodice was brocade with subtle pink and brown beading. As you can imagine, going in and checking on the status of the dresses would lend itself to the natural question, “What’s the name of the bride?” However, David’s Bridal made sure everyone knew that if we came in, it was under one of our names, and we were not once asked for the bride’s name.

Both our senior and junior flower girls wore pink dresses and simple pink pearl and crystal jewelry from Neiman Marcus that matched the chocolate pearls and crystals worn by the ladies of honor. Eleven-year-old Sara even learned to walk in heels just for the occasion.

But that left to question what the men would wear. After all, there were six gentlemen of honor, senior and junior ring bearers and the two grinning grooms.

Tuxes, vests and ties … oh my! Indeed, we went with the traditional black tuxedo and vests that matched the color palette. We used ivory lay down collar, pleated shirts. Friar Tux has a very open and inclusive atmosphere, and we felt very comfortable explaining there were two grooms. We chose to go with standard Hugo Boss neck ties from Saks Fifth Avenue, which we gave as gifts to the men in our wedding party.

As grooms, we did make sure we stood out a bit and our ties matched our personalities. Several months ago, we went to Jared’s Fine Galleria of Jewelry and chose simple, classic platinum bands with two diamonds, representing the two of us.

Our nephew on Brian’s side, six-year-old Tony, was proud to be the ring bearer. His excitement as he exclaimed, “I get to carry the jewelry!” will forever ring in our ears. Of course, our senior ring bearer, a little man himself, matched both his uncles down to the pink shirt and cufflinks.

On a personal note, we had the most wonderful unintended blessing. As we thought about what an 11-year-old and a six-year-old would enjoy doing during the reception, we decided to make Brian’s niece and nephew the official wedding videographer and photographer, respectively. What we have is the most delightful video and photographic memory collection from the perspective of children.

The universal language of music

One of Brian’s philanthropic partners in crime, Chris Allen, who conducts San Diego State University’s Aztec Chorus, the San Diego Women’s Chorus and is the former director of the San Diego Men’s Chorus, insisted on playing at the wedding. He brought along a beautiful string quartet. As it happens, the first time Brian ever told me he loved me was during a symphony performance at which Chris was conducting the Master Chorale, so it was only fitting Chris would play us through the night.

We also chose, as a soloist, longtime friend of mine, Kevin Wood, who is a recording artist and leading man who has toured in Broadway productions, including Rent. Kevin wrote two original pieces for our occasion, and we gave one of his CDs to each of the guests.

As for our DJ, I called on another friend I knew I could trust to keep the entertainment going well into the night. Laura Jane from Fish on a Stick Talent – known for her Vintage Vegas show at Martinis Above Fourth the second Saturday of the month, as well as for her charitable work throughout the community, handled the sound and the rest of our music. I had no idea the depth of a DJ’s involvement in the ceremony, and I have a new appreciation for the work these talented people do.

Choosing the right officiant is critical, as well. Brian had worked closely with Rev. John Rinaldi on a number of projects, and we knew he would be able to balance the varied levels of comfort present. His calm, witty nature helped put everyone at ease. For most, ours was their first “gay wedding,” and so it was critical that someone steady and calm was at the helm of both the rehearsal and the ceremony. Rev. Rinaldi also took care of the marriage license and getting the two witnesses’ signatures. Brian’s fraternity brother from college and my best friend did the honors of witnessing.

Floral arrangements

Traditionally, the two primary decorative elements at the reception are the flowers and the cake.

With that in mind, we interviewed several florists before deciding on Glass Orchid. Robbie Santos of Glass Orchid, known for his contemporary arrangements and bold lines, has won multiple honors at the Del Mar Fair for his arrangements. He has a wonderful, warm way of taking clients’ ideas and translating them into works of art. My favorite flower is the calla lily and Brian’s the gerbera daisy, so Robbie accented those with green willow and succulents to create contemporary, masculine arrangements, which held their own and highlighted the room. The ladies carried simple calla lily bouquets wrapped in pearl strands, while the men wore matching boutonnières of calla lilies in silver casings.

In keeping with our contemporary atmosphere, we also purchased our glassware (vases, pink and amber pedestal martini glasses and candle tea orbs) from Z Gallery. The sleek lines and gorgeous effects of the glassware added to the elegant atmosphere. Guests were encouraged to take home their martini glasses and candle orbs as part of the favors.

Tastes for everyone’s taste

We did four cake tastings and dialogued with several vendors about our ideas regarding cake. In the end, we felt that there was only one place in town to go: BabyCakes. Not only does it have the most extraordinary chocolate cake, its artistic mastery is unparalleled. We knew we wanted three cakes for the event: one whimsical, one traditional and one grooms’ cake (to be stored away for our first wedding anniversary). We learned that in the safe hands of Christopher Stavros and Raphael of BabyCakes, you can’t go wrong. They exceeded even our wildest expectations, matched our motif down to the tuxedo shirts and pearls used to adorn the wedding party and their customer service was the best.

As is our nature, we simply couldn’t stop at the cake. We also served a wonderful vanilla bean ice cream in martini glasses from Z Gallery (complete with our column and color patterns) with a lavender sea salt organic chocolate monogrammed medallion on top from Eclipse Chocolat. We knew exactly when the dessert plates were carried in by the collective gasps at the extravagance of it all. We figured we would only be doing this once, so why not go out in style?

Something borrowed: Creating an atmosphere

But there was still one thing nagging me about the wedding that I couldn’t seem to shake. While Park Manor’s penthouse has a great view, the rooftop is a blank canvas for a ceremony. In the end, we stumbled, quite by chance, upon a company that provides the most extraordinary architectural elements, Arc de Belle. Perhaps it was the fact that we would be traveling to the Mediterranean and Northern Africa for our honeymoon, but the column structures called to us.

There is no question that gays and lesbians who do get married will be doing so in some nontraditional spaces. For example, rather than a sanctuary or temple area, more and more couples are saying “I do” at home in their backyards, out at the beach or even in Balboa Park. Arc de Belle’s incredible architectural elements of columns and gating – even down to the solar powered lamplights – allow a simple venue to be turned into to an intimate, elegant atmosphere.

With regard to the reception, there are a few things I would recommend. The first is a list of guests alphabetically with their respective tables. These should be displayed tastefully in various places so guests can easily find their seats. It is much easier to find a name alphabetically than to search through 18 tables.

Also, we chose to go with a sweetheart table, rather than a long wedding party table. This allowed our wedding party to sit with their spouses, significant others, partners or family, while providing us a periodic respite. Several of our engagement photos, courtesy of our dear friend, “Big” Mike Phillips, were displayed throughout the reception area.

Though this may seem counter-intuitive, during the wedding planning process, there is so much you do to make sure everyone else is cared for in a meaningful way that often you forget that this is your day. So, make sure you incorporate a few details that will remind you that this day really is about the two of you.

Finally, instead of a traditional guest book, our florist had arranged the most beautiful green willow branches. My mom assembled cards on which to write notes of well-wishes, hung with brown and pink – or chocolate and petal – ribbon.

Gifting and giving back
Throughout the wedding planning process, some joked whether we were registered at The Crypt and about who was tossing the bouquet.
Like many same-sex couples who will get married, we find ourselves at a point in our lives where we have all the “things” we could possibly need. Traditionally, wedding registries are for young couples just starting out and are a wonderful way to provide them with the necessary tools of cohabitation. However, we have been very blessed, and didn’t feel that registering in a traditional way would be appropriate.

That being said, to appease some guests who insisted on gifts – in particular Brian’s Midwestern folks – we registered at Bed Bath & Beyond. But, we also interjected a different element, one we hope many will follow: Philanthropy.

In lieu of gifts, we established the Hope/van de Mark Scholarship for GLBT students pursuing their college degree. As it turns out, more than $10,000 was raised. I was so proud to present alongside my husband, who is a professor at the Art Institute of California-San Diego and was the San Diego County Union-Tribune’s 2005 Teacher of the Year, the first $2,000 scholarship at the reception to a quite unsuspecting young lady in the middle of her undergraduate studies. It was a magical moment for everyone in the room. We also encouraged our guests to make donations to Equality California to support the continued fight for marriage equality against Proposition 8 on the November ballot. Couples can visit www.eqca.org for more information on wedding registries that support EQCA’s No on 8 committee.

One last thing to consider when planning a wedding reception is alcohol. Some may decide to host the bar for their guests, while others may opt for a no-host bar and still others may completely forgo this component for differing reasons. It’s important to know the facts about the facility’s liquor license, corkage fees, etc.

We purchased 150 bottles of Hope Wine to be served at dinner. Hope Wine is an extraordinary company that donates half of the proceeds from its varied wines to HIV/AIDS research (Merlot), Breast Cancer Research (Chardonnay) and Autism Research (Cabernet). I have worked in the HIV/AIDS prevention health field, Brian works with autistic children and we both know so many people who have been affected by breast cancer (including my own mother just this past year), so we hope more people will incorporate this wine option into their events.

Something blue: blue cheese ranch, that is

While there are several great places within San Diego to host a rehearsal dinner, we chose to have our rehearsal dinner at The Melting Pot in La Jolla at the Aventine because we eat there on a weekly basis, know everyone by name and they have never flinched at recognizing us as a couple. Naturally, we knew the fun and interactive fondue restaurant would be a hit with our friends and family, and it was an opportunity to give back to the restaurant.
While some suggested a spot closer to the wedding site, everyone in our party had maps, directions and gentle-voiced GPS systems guiding them. We booked the private room seating 32, so the only challenge was keeping the number of guests we invited within that range. With the Melting Pot crew of Ryan and Angel behind the bar, Frankie and Liz at the helm, and Jason and Tony serving it all up, everything went off without a hitch.

Brian’s parents hosted the rehearsal dinner and his mother gave a very moving and loving speech, affirming to all that it was God who brought Brian and I together. We certainly knew that assembling this group of people in this space on Aug. 8 was the work of someone other than the two of us.
On a different note, Brian’s mom isn’t an adventurous food person, per se, so she brought her own bottle of Ranch salad dressing, which she gladly shared with anyone who preferred that over the house dressing. The bottle emerged the next night at the reception, as well. I mention this only to note the importance of understanding any guest’s dietary needs, be they vegan, diabetic, lactose-intolerant, or just plain finicky.

The Big Day

The next morning, the day of our wedding, is a blur, to be honest. It was truly majestic watching our two-dimensional floor plans come to life as we buzzed around the room less than three hours before the ceremony commenced, creating the fairytale wedding of my dreams right in the middle of the 92103 zip code!

The day I waited for my entire life, the one I had almost come to resign myself to never having, the one that seemed to take forever to arrive suddenly came too soon, and was over way too fast – what a day it was! Now that we’re married, Brian and I face the inevitable question, which has already been asked by both of our parents: When do we get grandkids?

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m currently on my honeymoon on a two-week Northern Africa and Western Mediterranean cruise and sitting on the balcony overlooking the coliseum in the ancient city of Carthage, typing this. Earlier in our cruise, while Brian watched snake charmers work their magic, I had our fortunes told by a Moroccan gypsy while in Marrakesh – according to her, there are no kids in the future. Besides, I think we make the perfect quirky uncles who are content to spoil nieces and nephews, much to their parents’ chagrin. But one never knows; there is always hope! After all, if you had asked me six months ago as we filled out our Domestic Partnership Registration that we would be upgrading in August, I would have likely laughed it off as impossible.

No doubt there will be those moments when we say, “Oh, what if we had done this” or “What if we had done that.” I believe I can sleep soundly knowing that my reflections will hold few of those regrets. After all, who – other than Sondheim – can make fairytale weddings and happily-ever-after’s regretful?