Together 21 years, same-sex pair to wed in California

After 21 years together, Ray O'Loughlin and Jamie Henderson are finally getting married: an August church wedding with matching tuxedos, vows they will write themselves, and family and friends gathered round.

They'll be married in California, where they met. But they won't be considered married in Colorado, where they live.

"It means nothing here," said O'Loughlin, a grant writer at the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center of Colorado. "So we're doing it just to show our commitment to one another. It means something to us."

Colorado's Constitution bans same-sex marriages, which the California Supreme Court declared legal as of Tuesday.

Colorado Attorney General John Suthers and his counterparts in nine other states, along with conservative legal groups, have asked the court to stay its ruling until after the November election, when California voters are expected to decide whether to adopt a constitutional ban like Colorado's. The attorneys general expressed concern that amendments would be challenged by couples who get married in California but live elsewhere.

"They're afraid of people coming back and filing lawsuits and causing trouble," O'Loughlin said. "We're not planning to do that."

O'Loughlin and Henderson met in San Francisco at a dinner party and have been together ever since, a 21-year relationship they say belies the idea that sexual orientation has anything to do with commitment or longevity.

"There aren't many couples - gay or straight - that last that long," Henderson said. "When you are together that amount of time, it gives other people hope that they can find someone they can be with that long, too."

The Williams Institute, a national think tank on sexual orientation and public policy at the University of California-Los Angeles law school, estimated that Colorado had 13,413 same-sex couples in 2006, when voters approved a constitutional amendment that restricts marriage to a man and a woman. Forty-four other states ban gay marriage. But Henderson believes that the change in California, along with the experience in Massachusetts - which legalized same-sex marriage four years ago - will lead to change nationwide.

There's no way the couple will let politics put a damper on their wedding plans, still a long to-do list away from completion. There are flowers to pick out, a cake to order, vows to be written. They'll hold the ceremony at the Palo Alto church that Henderson's mother, Mitzi Henderson, attends.

"I couldn't believe it when Ray called and asked for Jamie's hand," said Henderson, a former national president of the 200,000-member nonprofit support organization Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbian and Gays (PFLAG). "I've been so surprised at my own emotion about it. I just can't stop grinning."

Henderson said she has worked for nearly 30 years for the wedding that will take place Aug. 30.

"There's no substitute for what this means to the people involved and their families. Unless you call it marriage, it's not the same thing," she said. "In some ways, this is the last barrier.

IN THEIR OWN WORDS: RAY O'LOUGHLIN AND JAMIE HENDERSON

What does getting married mean to you?

Ray O'Loughlin, 61: "There are sort of two tracks: what it means personally to us and our families, and then there's always the political side and legal status and rights and lawsuits. We're more focused on what it means to us.

"It's still legal, and it's still real. It may not have that effect in Colorado, but we still want to document it. We had a 15th anniversary party a few years back, and I was surprised that just having that sort of changed my perception of us.

"That kind of public statement does change how I perceive us as a couple: It says we're real, and we're really committed. We'll have our rings, and we'll wear them everywhere. And if somebody asks, we'll tell them."

Jamie Henderson, 50: "There's further cementing that happens by doing it. And I think it's further acknowledgement by the outside world. I'm openly gay, and my coworkers and friends all know that, so when I've told people we're getting married, they're all thrilled. It's partly they appreciate it because they know I've been with Ray for so long.

"We're not planning on asking anyone for gifts. We'll probably do what many gay rights organizations are suggesting, that in lieu of gifts, you ask people to donate to the campaign to keep marriages legal in California.

"It's possible we might retire to California, and then we'll have the tax benefits and the other benefits that come with marriage. That's one reason for doing it now rather than waiting. I also think if a lot of people get married in California soon, that will discourage them from rescinding it. They'll see that it's important not only for people in California but throughout the country."