The Park Manor Hotel’s Friday night happy hour always manages to bring a
full house. The rooftop bar attracts mostly gay men in their 30s and
40s. It’s a favorite of Charles, a healthcare consultant, and his
partner, Henry, a spy aircraft designer, who are contemplating the idea
of marriage before it gets repealed.
“That’s the rush that would push us; but we don’t like to be pushed,”
Charles said, sipping his drink. He dreams of a big ceremony with all
the bells and whistles, but he’s afraid his Southern Baptist family
won’t show. “Not because we’re gay, but because Henry is Middle
Eastern,” he quipped.
Their friend John has been in a long-term relationship for six years
and is leery of hopping aboard the marriage bandwagon. “As much as I
would love to, fact is he makes more money than I do, and marriage does
not make financial sense to us,” said John, who, like his partner, was
once married to a woman. They’re raising their three teenage kids
together and have left the gay-community hub of Hillcrest for a suburban
life in Poway. “They have a very good school system,” John pointed out.
Copies of a glossy pamphlet were scattered on the bar promoting the
Park Manor’s wedding packages. It had a picture of two wedded men, as
well as one of an embracing lesbian couple. Turns out equality comes at
a price ($89.95 per person for a one-entrée buffet and $8,500 for the
reception hall rental).
“That’s nothing,” John remarked. He works in the sales department of
a big chain hotel that starts its wedding packages at $14,000 on the low
end.
Gay weddings are set to be a cash cow for the foreclosure-laden
sunshine state. Lee Bagdett, director of UCLA’s Williams Institute,
recently predicted that they’ll represent a $684-million boost to the
economy over the next three years. The New York Times referred to
same-sex nuptials as a “potential windfall.”
Pat and Dallas are members of Slightly Older Lesbians (SOL), a women’s
social group that meets on Fridays at The Center in Hillcrest. At last
week’s meeting, the two said that after being together for more than
three decades, they’re planning to make it “official.”
“It’s a great moment to be in, but we have to wait until the
elections in November and see how things pan out. There is more to the
symbolism which translates into dollars and cents,” Pat said, adding
that they’re currently in talks with both an attorney and an accountant.
Mary, the group’s moderator, said marriage was not for her. “The way
I look at it, a wedding certificate changes the person. I don’t need a
piece of paper.”
As monumental as the California Supreme Court’s recent ruling was,
the reality is that a whole new sector must now embrace all the
obligations that come along with the marital institution; and before
marching down the aisle, they’ll have to get familiarized with the
concepts of property settlements, inheritance, health benefits,
pensions, child custody, medical decision making, and, yes, divorce.
Another lady at the SOL meeting chimed in, saying that what really
needs to change is the federal Defense of Marriage Act of 1996. “If
something was to happen to me and I wanted to leave my house to my
partner, she would have to pay a gift tax under federal law,” she said.
“Can you imagine paying a gift tax on half your house? As you get older,
you start thinking about these things.”
Pat emerged from the debate unscathed and plans to go through with
her ceremony. “After 32 years, I’m finally going to make an honest woman
of her,” she said, looking into Dallas’ eyes. The ladies giggled.
Rich, a native San Diegan, is old enough to remember when the bars in
Hillcrest had no outdoor signs for fear of being caught in a police
dragnet. He equates that time with the Jazz Age back east. He served in
the U.S. Air Force, and he’s currently a member of FOG, the Fellowship
of Older Gays. The group gets together every Saturday morning at Lily’s
Garden Café in University Heights.
“You know, it’s a funny thing: If you have sex with a female, you’re
considered heterosexual; if you do it with a male, you’re homosexual;
and if you don’t do it at all, you’re a Republican,” Rich joked.
Marriage is not in the cards for him—he’ll leave that for the younger
generation. “Deconstructivism has taken over the youth. They’ve grown up
asking questions and forming a balanced view of what’s going down the
pike,” he said. “It’s an institution and a legal shackle.”
Robert L. Bettinger, another FOG member at the coffee social, was
beaming with pride. He said that after a lifetime of advocacy, he could
finally breathe easy. “I’m gay, and I’m also a clergyman in the
Episcopal Church. I found it unconscionable for the church to prevent me
from officiating a ceremony between two loving gay people and them being
OK with uniting what might be a destructive straight couple. I’m 80
years old, and I thank God I got to live this moment.”
In the words of Broadway actor and longtime gay-rights activist Harvey
Fierstein, “Political movements always belong to the young.” Young
people have grown up watching openly gay men and women hook up on MTV’s
The Real World and Next. The idea of a “super-sweet” wedding was more
than appealing to a group of kids outside “The Other Prom,” a special
dance organized by the Hillcrest Youth Center where it’s OK to bring a
same-sex date without the fear of being ostracized. The theme was
“Hollywood Glam.” A red carpet led into the ballroom, and the entrance
was adorned with life-size cardboard cut-outs of Marilyn Monroe, Vivian
Leigh and the like. Classic prom fashions took a backseat to brightly
colored vinyl corsets, studded belts and Cyndi Lauper-inspired tulle
skirts. The girls looked nice, too.
Britney, an 18-year-old Santee resident sitting outside the venue
waiting for her date to show, said marriage is in her future. “It’s
something I definitely see myself doing,” she said. “It’s great that we
all have the same rights now.” She basked in being able to be at The
Other Prom. “It’s hard being gay in Santee,” she said as she adjusted
her red rose boutonniere.
Josh, a 17-year-old graduating junior at Francis Parker prep, shared
in her view. “For me, it’s for sure happening in the future.” He said
that his high-school advisor just married her partner of 18 years. Josh
said that he’s accepted by his peers and has no hang-ups on the issue.
“I live and work in Hillcrest, so I’m kind of surrounded by a San Diego
gay liberal bubble,” he said. “Except for, like, the dumb bros in East
County, it’s kinda like, What ev.”
Tony and Sean, a biracial couple from Kentucky, were at odds on the
marriage issue as they had a beer at Pecs, a bar in Hillcrest that
caters to more rough-and-tumble gay men. “I would do it in a heartbeat!”
Tony said. “We were at another bar earlier and we witnessed a proposal.
The guy got down on one knee and everything. I had a tear in my eye, but
I held it back, so I wouldn’t be the biggest fag in there. It was
wonderful.”
Sean kept quiet and rolled his eyes. Princess Royale Crystal
Chandelier from the Imperial Court of San Diego was at Pecs that night,
too. She flat-out has no interest partaking in a civil union. “Gay men
are too flakey,” she said. “They have to think about the ramifications.
You can’t get married, get in a fight six weeks later and call it quits.
All it takes is you leaving your heels in the wrong place, and bam! It’s
over.”
What if he’s rich?
“No!” she said.
What if he owns a wig shop?
“No!”
What if he’s the CEO of MAC cosmetics?
“No, I won’t conform.”
Her friend Stacy Bentley agreed: “You share everything. Every credit
card, every debt. I’m all for gay rights, just not for gay marriage,”
said Bentley, a fierce drag queen by night, a lawyer by day. “You have
no idea how many clients that got married in Massachusetts come to me
wanting to terminate their union.”
A couple of silver-haired “daddies” sat nearby and flipped through
the latest issue of the Gay and Lesbian Times, which is suddenly filled
with ads from businesses offering special same-sex marriage deals. “I
got the funniest thing in my inbox today; it was a doctored image of
George W. Bush and Dick Cheney tying the knot,” one man told the other,
who replied, “So much for the sanctity of marriage!”
